When I got into the van to head to Solstice I wasn’t even feeling super excited. I had just been at L’OssidBurn, the Quebec Regional Burn, where I had an amazing time. L’OsstidBurn (which I will blog about later) had been really fun. Full of joy, good connections and good art. I left that festival feeling satiated and happy. 

Part of my theme camp team and I had decided to do the two festivals back to back. We literally left the van packed with all our art and gear, crashed in Montreal for a couple hours and then drove straight to Solstice. While I was in the van during our nine hour drive I kept thinking to myself that if I were to skip Solstice this year, I probably wouldn’t be missing much. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Now, here I am at the end of this experience, my being so tender that I feel that if someone touched me their hand would go straight through my permeable skin into to blood and bone. I am knocked off my feet, I feel shaken to my core, nourished to the depths of my being, ripped open and put back together again. 

Solstice is one of those festivals that is non-negotiable for me. I haven’t missed one since I discovered it eight years ago and I have made a commitment to myself to attend every year regardless of where in the world I am. The fact that this festival is a committed pilgrimage site for many of its participants is part of what makes this festival so special. One of my best friends there has not missed a Solstice in 20 years and others have similar stories. There are dozens of my favourite people from around the world that I know I will see there every Solstice. This is a festival where people show up, heart open, year after year. 

I have often found that when you truly commit to something the world will rise up to meet you and give you exactly what you need, even if it’s not what you want. This space is a vortex of people committing to engage with true experience and the result blows me apart every single time. 

I was trying to quantify why exactly this festival so consistently shakes my being. The fact that everyone is willing to let that happen is part of it. The combined energy of so many open souls is a powerful force. But for me there’s a little bit more to it. 

I am someone who has to carefully hold my life together all of the time. As an artist, an entrepreneur and community leader I am juggling plates constantly. I travel often, and if I work less than 60 hours a week it’s a slow week. The buck stops with me on dozens of projects and if I let something slide just once I’m the one that has to do damage control to fix it. On top of that I’m still healing from a massive injury I sustained three years ago. The result means that I don’t relax very often and taking the time to play and be myself happens even less frequently. 

But at Solstice this week I was able to actually let go. This supportive and beautiful space allowed me the freedom to relax. And the result in myself was shocking. 

As I was doing my spiritual practice yesterday, I came across this passage that defined it really well for me- 

“Have you ever felt like you were a ‘different person’ when you were on holidays or travelling? This is because you were free of the astral gravity that you normally live in on a day to day basis. The astral plane is like glue. When we put enough energy into thoughts, emotions, beliefs and stories form our past that condition how we interpret current life experiences, we can get stuck in astral gravity, unable to let go of ways of thinking and reacting even if we really wish to do so. We can create sticky astral thoughts that attach to houses, places and people.When we are in a different environment we often have a chance to create fresh habits and beliefs, which is why a holiday can be so refreshing and inspiring.” -Alana Fairchild

Light collaboration on the Glow Dome with Aziz Light Crew

This past week felt like someone had pulled me off of a glue trap. Suddenly my limbs and spirit were free. I felt more energy and joy than I have in ages. I was laughing constantly. I felt like I had a grin that could split my face in two. I felt sexy and funny and open and present. Just for a moment, this space gave me the full understanding of being in flow and relaxing into what was, instead of what I was trying to make it. 

The difference in how people responded to me when I was in this state was so apparent. Normally when I’m on a festival site I’m working. I’m running teams and dealing with equipment, handling stages, or working med or fire staff. I’m focused and serious. The only people I tend to talk to are people who are also working. I don’t tend to be open to chatting with festival participants and strangers don’t often approach me because I’m so obviously closed. This is a state that is sometimes useful as well, but sometimes it makes me forget that I can be fun, that people want to connect wth me. 

As well I often feel quite isolated in my life. Because I live such an alternative lifestyle I am not always sure where relationships can fit, especially romantic ones. There are times when I’m certain that in order to be committed to this life as an artist, I will just have to come to terms with being alone forever. When I do make space to connect with others, I find I often come to it with the assumption that people could’t want me just the way I am, that I would have to change or project something different in order for people to love me. 

But suddenly at Solstice this week none of that was on the radar. I was free of my astral field. I just let go and was myself and was willing to play or be goofy or sad or anything else I needed to feel at any given time. And the lesson that is smacking me in the face is that I couldn’t believe how attractive I became to other people when I let go. 

People wanted to spend time with me, to meet me, to connect with me deeply. When I stopped thinking about controlling my experience or trying to be something, I was suddenly just myself. And myself turned out to be someone who’s pretty awesome. I like that person. I would like to see her more often.

But now I’m back home and I’m struggling with how to implement that lesson. It’s really easy to be open and in flow at a festival, where you don’t have to deal with any of the realities of the default world. To show up in joy and play is so easy in that environment, how do we bring it home? How do we connect, meet people heart open, not get our spirits dampened by all the responsibilities and stresses of every day life? Already I can feel the clamping down, the attachment of trying to hold onto that feeling and those connections. 

So today I’m going to start small. Instead of rushing towards all the work I need to do I’m going to make a cozy spot on the floor or my living room. Do my spiritual practice. Sit in feelings of gratefulness. Try to tap into the core of that inside woman I would love to see more often. See what she wants to do with her morning instead of doing all the things I should do. I will practice letting it drop. I will practice giving myself space. I will practice play. And maybe one day that woman inside will be the woman who’s outside all of the time.