5 Steps to Handling Personal Conflict

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy”. -Martin Luther King 

We’re in the middle of a painful historical transition. For all ages past people’s lives had a certain pattern. You lived in the same place. You learned a certain trade or skill. Then you would go into the work force and make a living repeating the same skill in the same place the rest of your career.

But we’re moving into a completely different experience. We’re in a constantly shifting world. World crisis has become a daily occurrence. Social media fights take over our thoughts. Jobs are becoming obsolete. We’re in drastic climate change. New problems are being invented constantly, and the world needs a whole new type of community to emerge. 

What the world needs now are people who can see the patterns around them and identify the problems in any situation. We need people to figure out ways to solve the problems, organize fluid teams, lead collective action and then continually adapt as situations change. This takes humans who are capable of exploring and inventing, who have a belief that they have agency over their own lives. 

But when you’re mapping out a new paradigm and solving puzzles, you may find yourself stepping on the toes of others who want their paradigm to stay a certain way, or who disagree with the way you’re solving the problems you’re tackling.

This can create socially polarized environments which leads to broken relationships and communities. However, avoiding conflict is also isolating. Dancing around issues of contention without actively building towards resolution also fractures relationships. 

The only real solution is to handle the matter head-on by building an understanding of each conflicting viewpoint at a deeper level. This is what creates human bonds. This is the kind of interaction we need to enable.

In the past, my most common response to controversy is to give in to whoever is inciting the conflict and “put the fire out,” as quickly as possible. Often in these cases I leave the situation feeling like I haven’t stayed true to myself or my boundaries, which gives me an unfavourable perception of the person or community I was just relating to. Consequently this leads to me desiring to take my loyalty and contributions elsewhere, to a place where I feel a greater sense of value and support. But this isn’t necessarily the best option. 

So in the effort to evolve my life skills I’ve been doing research to define the steps needed to deal with controversy and still stay strong in a healthy way. Here’s what I’ve come up with. 

1. Come to Terms With Getting Your Ass Kicked

“I want to be in the arena. I want to be brave with my life. And when we make the choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our asses kicked. We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.” —Brené Brown 

This is a hard one to swallow. But as exhausting as it may be, it's important to realize this new reality. You are an alternative person who’s continually exploring new ways of solving problems, so it’s unlikely that you will be able to move through the world without inciting controversy, even if your motives are pure.

Exploration takes risk, and risk often incites controversy. Get comfortable with this fact.

2. Assess the Source

“It’s not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the person who is in the arena. Whose face is marred with dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly ... who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly ...” -Theodore Roosevelt 

There should always be a hierarchy of the critics who matter. Are the participants who are engaging in the conversation regular contributors, valued community members, or resemble something closer to trolls? The critics whose opinions truly matter should be your closest relationships, the individuals who know your heart and your intentions.

Next should be the people you find admirable, who are also in the arena trying to solve problems and create a better world. But if the people who are critiquing your ideas aren’t the ones contributing to solutions, you should probably take their opinions with a grain of salt. 

3. Actively Listen

“The word 'listen' contains the same letters as the word 'silent'.” -Alfred Brendel 

Even if you don’t put a lot of stock in the source, everyone deserves to be heard. Fully listening to the speaker can help you to draw people out, avoid misunderstandings, foster collaboration, settle disagreements and gain people’s trust. Often controversy can be solved by people feeling heard. 

4. Internalize the Viewpoint

“To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.” -Winston Churchill

Once you feel that you’ve fully understood another perspective, take step back and hold that opinion up to your values. Does it align with how you want to exist in the world? Is there something you can take away and learn from this discussion?

Whether the conversation changes your opinion doesn’t matter as long as you’ve done the work to fully understand where someone else is coming from. If the conversation has changed your opinion, then graciously move forward into a place of behavioural change. 

5. Be Resilient

“My scars remind me that I did indeed survive my deepest wounds. That in itself is an accomplishment. And they bring to mind something else, too. They remind me that the damage life has inflicted on me has, in many places, left me stronger and more resilient. What hurt me in the past has actually made me better equipped to face the present.” - Steve Goodier 

You do not have to convince anyone else of your viewpoint in order for your opinions to be valid. Know when to end the conversation and remove yourself from unproductive conversations. (Again, so much easier said than done.)

However if you’ve really done the work to understand another point of view and still disagree with it, then you can feel free to stop arguing and just carry on with your current trajectory. There are ways to do this that are respectful and kind, but making yourself smaller and stopping a behaviour that you really believe in will only hurt your heart in the long run.

Nowadays, controversial issues seem to be at the centre of much of our lives, so learning how to deal with conflict should be central to living an effective life. As uncomfortable as it may be, the more the world changes, the more you’ll face this fact.

The capacity to change the conflictual interactions you have lays within each one of us. You possess the incentives to make this world a better place. Accept it and meet the change.