Wistful Middle of the Night
angelfood
you loved god because you loved poems
and because you knew you were not alright somehow
there was an overkill in you somehow
you read a thousand books and god was the best dramatist
god had your free hand and you took his will to get it back
you two didn’t know what to make of each other
you and god were like two children in the park
purple and faint-hearted, learning to share toys
god gave you every unfair advantage
you were his blue chip, his crackerjack
he made you irresistible and impossible
he made you handsome but wanted you sexless
he had you smart but tasteless, a navel, a naked hip,
a man of god, a eunuch, a lazaret
i was a glory hole too
all the sick boys loved me
you were a fine missionary
you blessed and lay your hands on the heads
of the lost and the sick and the poor
who really just wanted to be held,
be kept, be kissed by someone like you
and i suppose that’s where i made most of my mistakes
i gave everything away
i met you on a busy street
i was standing in traffic
selling eve's apples
i remember i was wearing a short skirt and love bites
my heart on a sandwich board
you were really pretty
solar, and like a boy madonna
bibles under your arm, your hair gelled back,
wearing a tailored suit
and you swore they made you stupid
no matter how well-cut and stylish and unbusiness-like they were
you said,
that's my theory on how they got oscar wilde, actually --
a whole lifetime of wearing simply fabulous suits began to fuck up his brain
and make him careless
i said excuse me one minute
a lady with her window rolled down
was waving a dollar bill at me
you smiled, took an apple from my backpack,
untucked your shirt and shined it
handed it to the lady,
nodded good day
and i thought, oh lord,
i am flirting with the most unusual
evangel
we spent the rest of that day
shooting the universe back into the sky
i talked too fast like you do
when you know all days like this
end too early and like you do the moment
you flash on the thought that
each page has a folio, a number
you must memorize this one
you held my chin
and told me to look around at everyone else in focus
told me that no matter where we were
we were always
the most apparent people
in sight
and we made the most holy love
and drank like the fish that is god
wondering if we could stop
or why we should
or if anyone cared to cure us
of our highs and our lows
we drank and forgot to fear him
we drank to our overkill like god was a fish
as if he would forgive us for being the same
for acting skinless in his skin,
for drinking to the disquiet endgame
the fish and the world that is him
you loved me because you loved poems
because i had your original thoughts and i was
most elegiac, because angels have to eat,
because the broadest hint, the greyest area
is between heaven and earth,
him and me
and honey, we both love the sound of your voice
but if you're in love, shouldn't you touch my face more?
i woke up with you in the afterlife once
there were a hundred light bulbs hanging from the ceiling
of our bedroom, they looked like glowbugs,
there were photos of naked lovers on the walls,
when i shook you, you wouldn’t wake,
you bled the clear blue sky,
i pulled my nightgown above my head,
made up hymns, sang them loudly and terribly,
i screamed to god i was sorry for tinkering with his child,
i confessed it was an inside job,
i crossed all the sundays off the calendar,
i learned in you like a brick schoolhouse,
i swore to him you flying light and starving
for love you couldn't find anywhere else
you were dying and
i swore at him
lord knows, i am the poster child of star-crossed love
and god was behind the misuse of me, my sadness,
my self-sacrificing virgin mary heart,
my goodness and honesty
it was him who took me and showed me how
how to feed you and wipe your chin
i am certain god made me this stubborn
but just this once he borrowed me peace
and the ability to let you go
like when you get to the last page of agood book
and you know to read every last word carefully
he borrowed me the grip of reality,
the cruelty of being alive,
when your life is over
-Mandie
