when you drink
for two days straight
your hangover becomes
something other than
a hangover
on the third day
you wake up very early
and drink a lot of water
there is no headache
no nausea
you feel incredibly anxious
there is a
cloudiness
around you
it feels a little
like despair
your stomach feels
hollow and transparent
even after
you force yourself to eat
you take your anxiety
medication
and flop around your bed
for most
of the day
your limbs feel lucid
like you are swimming
but are not enjoying it
like someone is forcing you
to swim
and watching you do badly
memories resurface
ones you don't want to resurface
like all the people you called
in the last two days
and the one time
five boys
fucked you in the shower
while you were mostly passed out
because of shitty
cut cocaine
you read your friend's book
and wonder
why someone so brilliant
hangs out with you so much
but then you think about
the fort you build with him
you build the fort for
protection
and together
you survive inside of it
you read your friend's book
lying the wrong way on the bed
and focus all your attention
away from your cat
that is too hyper
for you to deal with
on the third day
for three or four hours
you move your
head around
on the pillow looking for cool spots
to rest your eye on
you think about
that one boyfriend
who broke up with you
a couple of years ago
because he said he felt
like he was fucking
someone's little sister
and you look at your wrist
at the tattoo that says
little sister
and you laugh a little
then you go on the balcony
sit in the sun and smoke
you alternate between very sad
and very happy songs on your
headphones
to avoid feeling too strongly
about anything
it's alright, it's okay
Chasing Pigeons Makes Me Feel Powerful, 2010)
