Calming the Chaos

“In chaos, there is fertility.”
-Anaïs Nin

Well, it has been a crazy few months. And maybe, fingers crossed, a rest is coming soon...

I was in Toronto for the Micah Lexier installation on and off since September. I knew I needed to move, and one of my weeks home I googled some places, found a place in 3 days, signed for it for January, and went back to Toronto. I came home 5 days before the end of the month, packed up my entire house and moved (no small thanks to the help of some incredible friends), and went back to Toronto again. 

When I got home mid-January, I looked at the chaos around me. Piles of boxes, stuff shoved in corners, and an apartment that would need to be completely renovated. I just wanted to cry.

I was tired. It had been a long haul in Toronto, way longer than any of us had expected, and the thought of coming home to another huge disaster of a project was completely disheartening. I definitely had fantasies about burning the whole thing down and heading for Cuba. It has been such an incredibly tough year, and I just wanted to rest. 

But bit by bit I started to find homes for things. Bit by bit I started to build things to make the space more functional. 

Walls got painted, storage got built, shelves installed...

...cupboards and desks got made, art got hung, lighting installed, curtains made...

...and as I started to sweep the sawdust out of my eyes, and bit by bit find spaces for the clutter, I realized something- I have a new home.

It's a space that I made, with my own hands. That, even though the task seemed impossible to me, all I need to do was get up every day, and just do one more thing.

And all of those little things, one by one, turned into a much bigger thing- I was able to order my chaos to make something beautiful.

I'd love to say that now I get time to rest. I say that as I stand in my studio staring at a 12'x8' plywood backdrop that needs to be made for an event this weekend (pictures to come later).

But even though I know that life probably won't get that much easier anytime soon, one thing has changed. 

Now I have a home and studio, all to my own. A place that is calm and ready for me every time I come home to it. 

I don't know what the next few months will hold. As Agnes de Mille said well, "Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begin to die a little. The artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.” 

Well, I may be leaping into the dark yet again, but one things for sure. I'm home now. It's finished. A place where I can rest my feet and nurture myself, and remind myself that I have the capacity to make something out of the chaos.

And just so you can see the change, this is what it looked like when I signed the lease. Goodbye olive green and beige! Pretty substantial change for only having been here 4 weeks! 

And on to the next project... Pictures coming soon!