To live in this world

you must be able

to do three things.

to love what is mortal;

to hold it

against your bones knowing

your own life depends on it;

and, when the time comes to let it go,

to let it go”

-Mary Oliver

Photos from a grieving ritual, performed Montreal, 2017

So this weekend, a good friend of mine unexpectedly passed away. A key member of my community, it was a shock to all of us to lose him right now. One of the things that I keep hearing people say is, "how do I deal with death?" Many have no idea how to handle his passing. For many people I know, it was the first close friend they lost.

It's not the first friend of mine who's passed, and certainly won't be the last. It doesn't get more comfortable, but I think that it's often even harder than it should be because we come from a culture that's terrible in dealing with death.

As a western culture, we like to ignore that death exists at all. Until it confronts us, we go through life with the perspective that our loved ones and we will live forever. And when death happens, it blows us sideways because we'd forgotten all about it as a possibility. We become wholly distraught and at a loss for how to handle it.

But death is the only real certainty of life. And building a skill-set around how to deal with it is an essential part of being human. Everyone deals with grief in their own way; it's never going to be easy or comfortable. Here are a couple of things that I've found have worked for me.

Give Yourself Time

In dealing with death, there is no timeframe for your grief. After first losing someone, the pain may be constant, or it may come in waves of intensity. Let it happen when it comes, and be gentle with yourself.

If you need to take a couple of months off work or away from people, do it. If you need to go on a spiritual journey to Tibet for four years to handle it, do it. If it only takes you a week before you feel a sense of stability, that's okay too. There are no rules for how long any of this should take. Let the way you feel guide how much time you need to dedicate to sitting with your feelings.

Let Yourself Feel It

It will hurt. It is supposed to hurt. It is a big fucking deal to know that a soul has left your waking life. You will miss them. You will be surprised by the finality of it and the hole that they've left.

When you're alone or with people who can support you, do whatever you need to do to realize your emotions. Yell, scream, cry, punch a pillow, laugh, write, stare into space. Any feeling you have is valid. Don't keep it inside your body. Feel your emotions. If you don't give yourself time to feel them, they will come out in times where you may not be in a supportive space to handle them.

It's Okay to Need a Break

There will be times when the grief is too much to handle, and you can't sit with it anymore. At this point you may need to turn on a tv show, or go out for a drink, or go dance and laugh. It is okay to need to numb the pain at times. It's okay to take a break from the heartbreak.

It's common to need to take a minute, and then it's common to feel shame around needing that time. There have been situations where I've gone out and had a good night and then felt so much guilt about trying to be happy when something so tragic has happened. But speaking from experience, that guilt is not useful. Sometimes you need to cap the pain and remind yourself that even in tragedy, the world is still a beautiful place.

This pain may be with you for a long time, you need to find sustainable ways to feel it and still live. Your friend wouldn't want you to live in misery for the rest of your life, so take the time to enjoy your life if you need it. It's okay.

Be Around Others Who Are Feeling the Same Way

If you're feeling this distraught around the loss of someone you loved than other people are feeling it too. It's easy to feel like you're going through this alone, but you aren't. Coming together as a community during this time is essential in staving off the hopelessness.

Make sure to share your memories and joys about the life lived. The soul you've lost may be gone, but their memories are not. Tell the people around you how they positively impacted your life, how they made you feel joy and love. Look through photos and feel the gratitude for the connection that you had. By honouring their life you extend their impact. In this way they will still be with you for as long as you have memories in your head.

Rituals Are Useful

You may feel like the stuffy form of funerals doesn't do life justice, but don't discount the healing that rituals can have. The point of a ritual is to acknowledge the impact of that soul and release some of the pain. The goal is to help start to bring closure to that loss.

There are many traditional rituals around death. You can look at them and see if something resonates with you, or you can make up your own. The goal is to do a set of actions that brings you into remembrance of that unique life. The focus of the ritual is to let go of some of your intense feeling around the loss. A feeling of releasing them into the unknown, and coming to a sense of peace is the ideal outcome. You can do whatever you need as often as you need it to try to get to a sense of peace around it.

Do What is Right For You

No matter who you are or who you've lost, you are allowed to grieve in whatever way works for you. Do your best to stay in touch with what you need, rather than doing what you assume grief is required to look like. You may feel these feelings for a long time, or even in waves throughout the rest of your life. It is good to feel whatever you feel however you need to handle it.

The Point of Death

It is important to keep things in perspective as well. Because at the end of the day, death has an essential job. It reminds us that life is fleeting and that every single moment is precious. The goal shouldn't be to live forever but to create memories and contributions to the world that will be meaningful.

My friend knew that. He contributed to his community deeply, he loved his friends and family so much, and he was always up to living a full and vibrant life. Even though these feelings suck real hard right now, I wouldn't trade my friendship with him for anything.

Death is a part of life, but I always want to keep in perspective that death makes our lives meaningful. I will use this incident to feel so much gratitude for my connection to this person, and as a reminder to make sure I live life to the fullest.